did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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