oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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