First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Randomize
