fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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