my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
