That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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