alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
