I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
