I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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