after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
