Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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