The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
