All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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