And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
