Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
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