Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
