Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What a dumb baby whore.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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