So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
