I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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