he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
