ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
