my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
