I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
