Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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