She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
