I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
