you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
