I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
