I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
