I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
