my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
