I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
