You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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