Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
