if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
