fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He better not be in your backpack
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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