Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
cat food counts as protein by the way
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
