I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
