and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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