I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
