Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
