Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
