I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
