I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
