Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
