The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
