She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
