you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
