in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Acid is not a monday night drug
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
