I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
