i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
