I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
